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Writer's pictureJulia

Welcome to Hell: The 11 Satanic Commandments




It feels so good to not have to write an artistic and thought provoking introduction to this, because I’m actually looking at the aspects of Satanism that I mentioned last week. Here are the









  1. Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.

  2. Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them.

  3. When in another’s lair, show him respect or else do not go there.

  4. If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy.

  5. Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.

  6. Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the other person and he cries out to be relieved.

  7. Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.

  8. Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.

  9. Do not harm little children.

  10. Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food.

  11. When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.


Where to start? Well, let’s start with the structure of the commands themselves. There are 11–1 more than the Christian 10 (which, by the way, are hotly contested within the different christian denominations). This suggests a degree of continuity, sure–turn the speakers up to 11, right? Why tell one thousand tales when you can tell one thousand and one?


But I think the number suggests an innate relationship more than anything else. We’re using the structure to solidify a relationship that might seem precarious. It’s a method of establishing coherence—the same, but different.


Again, theological oppositional defiance disorder at its best.


Let’s break these bad boys down, shall we?

1. Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.
2. Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them.

The first two commandments seem to create a degree of tension with other seemingly foundational parameters of Satanism established by the mood, aesthetic and overall sense of the text. Satanism fertilizes free will by eradicating the need for societal norms and procedures. Don’t give an opinion unless asked feels socially derived–but perhaps the ideological contradiction lends to the philosophical bad ass, rockstar status we see here—who knows.


3. When in another’s lair, show him respect or else do not go there.
4. If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy.

The language of 3, 4, and 5 made me laugh so hard that I almost threw up. Oh wait it wasn’t the hilarity, it was the sheer volatility of the physical cringe that induced nausea.


If anyone feels the need to call my home lair, I think 4 might be justified. Regardless, the playful “beasty” bedroom linguistics here feel icky at best and engender my thinly veiled desire for self annihilation.


But the worst? The worst is number 5.

5. Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.

If my partner asked me “Hey, is that the mating signal?” My nether regions would close with a level of force akin to that which caused the big bang. The sheer energy expressed by my fallopian tubes crumbling could begin a new universe.


DO NOT GET ME WRONG: I am not saying that consent is not a necessary component for all physical, social, and sexual interactions. It is.

With that out of the way. Do we have to keep asking people not to rape each other? And when we do, do we have to use terms like “mating signal" because yikes on trikes, that doesn't feel right.


6. Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the other person and he cries out to be relieved.

I don’t see anything wrong with 6, but it’s funny how they include a caveat to a well known Christian/Jewish commandment.


Got it, Satan, you’re special.

7. Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.

Number 7 feels like speculation since the theological system thus far has made no mention of magic. If a system involves the use of magic, this usually means that the system is reliant on it. Here’s how you can break it down:


The firmament (the matter before anything else)→God(s) → demigods/saints → people.


Spell casting, or magical systems often act as a bridge from people → to the firmament, that which has always been before anything else, the raw creative power. Typically this truncated interface chain comes with some kind of cost—after all, you’re bypassing vital departments in the org chart.


But Satanism rages against the so-called religious hierarchy—another seemingly irreparable hole in logic.


8. Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.

8 feels very Buddhist to me which is….almost sweet? But it emphasizes Satanism’s focus on self-regulation, self-accountability….etc.


9. Do not harm little children.

I hate 9 because it feels yucky. Also it seems a bit redundant, but I have to remember that this was written in the context of Satanic Panic, so maybe the first followers wanted to state this one explicitly.


10. Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food.

I think 10 should always top the charts in terms of “worst things you can do.”


11. When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.

11 is so bizarre that I don’t really know how to approach it. Beyond your average “use your words then your fists,” the dramatized language shrugs guilt and pins it to the one who bothered. Lacking a concrete definition, the linguistic crack ripped open by the word “bother” should raise major red flags as far as mass adoption goes. If satanism became the common religion, imagine the bloodbath that would drown entire countries as world dominating superpowers find further justification to murder opposing world views, one foreigner at a time.


Ultimately, looking into Satanism feels like talking to a college student with lofty ideals and no administrative or civil experience to actually understand what they say. It’s a feedback loop gorged on irresponsibility and rage towards an oppressive system—that makes sense, given all the harm done by Christianity. But it has one covert function that I don’t think we can so easily excuse: it reduces the need for critical thought against the Christian system.


This religion gives an argument a symbol. It takes the theological and rhetorical deposition of the Christian church and stamps the happy approval of the adversary. But this just gives goth teenagers a sign, an idea, an image to wield instead of breaking down their parents’ beliefs into its constituent parts and making informed decisions. It allows burgeoning atheists to hold their intelligence next to a flame and, tantalized by the burning of their skin, forget the thoughts that brought them out of the cold dark tunnels of doubt and hopelessness.


I’m not saying the religion is wrong, or bad, I’m saying the rhetoric is cringey and detours the articulation of critical thought.


Thanks for holding on with me.

XO

-C




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